Dogs and their Strangers

Thanks to Dillon, the maltese, we have a perfect example of the...

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 18:00:36 -0500

Thanks to Dillon, the maltese, we have a perfect example of the social behavior and response to hardship. In the first image, Dillon asks Marge on a date. Her answer obviously being “No” (Who would date a maltese with such a filthy coat!?), Dillon is both rejected and dejected. He pretends to scratch at the ground as if he has found something of equal interest, but he is actually trying to throw us (the viewers) off, performing in a sense, making it look as though he could barely be bothered by her refusal since we all know he is weeping inside that furry head of his. In the last image, we see he has already taken to a new mate; enchanted, he locks eyes on the cocker spaniel and sets off to do it all over again. A pooch’ll never learn!

While on my way to purchase the finest of goods at the renowned...

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 00:18:16 -0400

While on my way to purchase the finest of goods at the renowned department store, Big D, I came across the utterly charming Logan the dalmatian. His stranger was cowering behind the stroller because I guess I spooked her when I bellowed, “DO NOT MOVE A F*CKING MUSCLE!” and began searching vigorously for something in my bag. I just couldn’t afford to lose that picture of Logan in the stroller, so I pulled out my .45 caliber Glock and told her, “IF YOU RUIN THIS MOMENT FOR ME I WILL SEND FOUR SLUGS STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR THIGHS!” Look how great that second picture turned out!

Check out Banksy’s underbite. ‘Nuff said.

Thu, 23 Sep 2010 10:55:45 -0400

Check out Banksy’s underbite.

‘Nuff said.

It may look like the dog in this picture is being friendly with...

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 12:12:45 -0400

It may look like the dog in this picture is being friendly with this stranger, but do not be deceived. Yoshi is a f*cking bastard. In that picture, as you can gather from the state of his eyes, he is in a realm of utter bliss. A feeling enjoyed as a result of pissing all over the human’s pants. Maniacal? Yes. His doing? Well, that’s debatable. That said, there is one thing that is not up for debate:

Yoshi has a serious drinking problem.

What started out as a fun and kind and sweet gesture from human to Man’s Best Friend turned into a violent night of canine chaos. He was clearly keen on the substance, so, you know, we put some beer in a bowl and he loved it! He was so cheery! He was licking my lips, and without my having to ask!

But then he finished his bowl, and he wanted more. Every time we would open a can of beer for ourselves he would either jump all over us and slash our faces until we gave it to him or sit on our laps and pretend to act calm, to then just piss all over us. Now you understand why I ask you not to be deceived by his charming wiles, since the African running dog tricked me - seven f*cking times.

Alcoholics, man. Can’t trust ‘em.

Poor little Mulva was having a rough time when I met up with...

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 18:18:33 -0400

Poor little Mulva was having a rough time when I met up with her on the train. It was obvious that she was a hungarian vizsla/auburn lab mix, but what wasn’t obvious were the wicked fiends plaguing her nightmares. As I sat there taking pictures of her as she dreamed, albeit poorly, she was clearly saying something between mumbling yelps and kicking her legs, and it went something like this: “grr… grr NINETYnine grr… grr yipe oneHUNDREDgrr … and four… hfrmph … grr …onehundredTHIRTYIPE!” waking herself up and scaring me into a new pair of underpants.

I hope to holy hell that whatever she was dreaming of, whatever hell-born mutant bent on turning the souls of good people into poor, pathetic, charred crusts of their former selves, never becomes a reality.

So I said, “What’s up, guys?” And the bulldogs...

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 19:50:34 -0400

So I said, “What’s up, guys?”

And the bulldogs Inky and Blinkzkreig said, “Not much, taking our humans for a walk.”

I laughed very hard, turned heel and ran away equally fast.

Right when I made eye contact with Leonardo, I knew the bulldog...

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 00:29:00 -0400

Right when I made eye contact with Leonardo, I knew the bulldog was born gifted in the face. Initially he wasn’t so thrilled being bathed in the limelight, which is understandable considering the attention he’s garnered ever since he descended upon this squalid earth. He eventually beckoned me to come closer, I presumed to do his fine features justice. It was a trap though, and when I got to the window he pulled a gun on me and told me to get inside “or else.”

I can’t really divulge any details regarding what transpired in that home, since Leo said he’d kill me if I said even a peep. I can say, however, that although I took no part in the festivities and wasn’t paid for my work (at gunpoint), the stuffed mushroom caps were to die for. You’d better hold on to those pictures, Leo, or else they’d cause a mighty stir in the office! Next thing you know, your boss will be calling you an inter-special-fornication-loving dominatrix with a knack for contortion and an eye for chihuahuas! Try living that down at the annual office Christmas party!

This dog was a-ma-zing! While walking down the street I saw a...

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 16:07:15 -0400

This dog was a-ma-zing! While walking down the street I saw a leash hanging about ten inches off the ground, yet there was no dog inside the collar. I asked the stranger what her f*cking deal was, what gave her the right to be putting passersby on like that, and she said she meant no harm and that there was just a gross misunderstanding. She had a rare breed of invisidog.

Bull freaking shiv.

Lo and behold, the only picture that came out of Richard Holbrooke the invisiterrier here was the one with Lumix InvisiFlash on! To my knowledge there could be thousands of invisidogs strutting down the street, pissing all over the place and smellin’ stuff, and all the while I was only taking pictures in the Visible wavelength. How naive. This is my dream come true.

While walking on the street, I found a stranger and her dog. I...

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 10:00:00 -0400

While walking on the street, I found a stranger and her dog. I walked right up and pet the dog, gave it a name (Majorska), and came to the conclusion that it was a short-haired golden lab with a growth defect, due to the slow mind and deformed body, respectively.

But THEN I saw the stranger begin to walk away with it and Majorska just toppled over in the same position I took the picture in as if petrified and was being dragged on its side. I didn’t guess it either - it was a taxidermied statue! Talk about mounting the skins of animals so that they have a lifelike appearance. And if I’m not mistaken, I am pretty sure I gave it at least three kisses to the mouth. Who knew!?

This is the last installment of DC DOGS, and by god, it’s...

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 14:23:00 -0400

This is the last installment of DC DOGS, and by god, it’s a tear jerker.

While talking to some friends on the National Mall, I immediately ignored them to capture what I call a “Code:DAQ Moment”: This one stranger was sitting down with his yellow lab and this other woman walking her yellow lab was dragged to the first dog. It was love at first sight, and I named them Thelma and Lou Bega.

They were so beautiful a couple; licking each other’s snouts and smelling each other’s scents - I just had to get pictures, even if they were from a far. Then the female stranger began to take Lou Bega away and I began to cry (hence the teary-eyed camera), but I also got irate screaming, “How dare you destroy love so violently, you anarchist, yam-filled murderer! And you too for complying, Male Stranger-who-fornicates-with-Lucifer! You should both be ashamed of yourselves for bowing to the f*cking Devil and eating sh*t for breakfast! That’s probably why you’re so god damned stupid! All the sh*t you eat for breakfast! It’s polluting your thoughts and making you destroy all that is right in this world!

I couldn’t take a picture of that part because I was detained by members of the National Guard as they were walking by and they confiscated my camera for evidence. I got it back after I explained to them that my mission, to single out and deter Satan’s whores hellbent on making everyone’s lives a living hell, was an honorable one.

On the corner of Pennsylvania Avenue and 6th Street, I debunked...

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 09:19:09 -0400

On the corner of Pennsylvania Avenue and 6th Street, I debunked this myth right where it stood.

While in the middle of a conversation about the pros and cons of artificial cherry flavored treats, I caught a glimpse of this transcendental pup and naturally walked over to it; my initial reaction was confirmed by a few tricks I learned for testing this sort of thing. I looked at the pup and softly rubbed the inside of its ear, to test the quality of softness. I then said, “Psst! Hey, you, Mephisto. Yes, I am talking to you, good little ‘ole puppy. Are you hungry?” to which he didn’t respond, to test quality of hunger. Finally, I got on the ground and made a dog like noise and began writhing about, to test quality of sanity.

I stood up, looked at the stranger and informed her of the bad news: “I’m sorry, Miss, but there is a problem with your puppy. Its ears are too soft; its hunger too little; its insanity too low, which leads me to the conclusion that your little english bulldog pup Mephisto here is nothing but a mechanized simulation. In other words, your dog is a robot. The results from my tests are incontrovertible. That, and the simple fact that if a dog actually did exist and was this cute, my head world swell up with blood and my small intestines would come slithering out my nose.” I gave her my business card, and by golly from the looks of it, she, and her emotionless robot, were quite pleased.

While on the National Mall in Washington, I met this dog named...

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 15:11:06 -0400

While on the National Mall in Washington, I met this dog named Saber. At first impression, I could have sworn it was a german shepherd/st. bernhard/golden retriever mix. However, as the stranger told me, this dog was actually a german dog called a schweinsteiger. I pet Saber’s head and said, “Smile for the camera, buddy!” but the pooch slowly turned it’s head and said,”Ich kann jetzt nicht. Ich habe für das nächste Spiel de Praxis.” While I was surprised this dog could speak German, surprise barely conveys what I felt when Saber hopped on the stranger’s back, yanked back the leash and growled low and german, “Let’s ride.”

Only in the District of Columbia!

DC DOGS WOOF!

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 13:57:03 -0400

Traveled to DC this past weekend to celebrate the United States’ Independence. So many exceptional dogs. To celebrate THEIR independence I will post a few of these magnificent pups. Enjoy.

So this little girl and boy had their jack russell terrier* tied...

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 22:48:00 -0400

So this little girl and boy had their jack russell terrier* tied up to a fence. They told me its name was George. What they failed to mention was that George was a serial human molester, as you can tell by the events captured in each photo.

Picture 1) “Nice dog! What’s that? Oh, that’s a nice name - here George!”

Picture 2) “Oh, hey George - what’s with that look in your eye?”

Picture 3) “OHH MY GOD GET THE HELL OFF OF ME! YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOUR DOG WAS A F*CKING MONSTER, YOU LITTLE SHITS!! YAGGGHH!!

I walked away and as I readjusted my dignity I noticed I had stored some freshly sliced prosciutto, a jack russell terrier’s favorite delicacy, in my jeans. Though I don’t know how it got there, I am happy to know that I didn’t run into another serial molesting jack russell terrier, just a ravenous, prosciutto-craving one. Phew! I gave the meat to the children.

Oh shit, they’re totally making out!! Mawa, meet June....

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 22:33:50 -0400

Oh shit, they’re totally making out!!

Mawa, meet June. Mawa tongue, meet June throat. Hell yeah, disgusting!

This Australian sheep dog really did not want to have his photo...

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 10:00:00 -0400

This Australian sheep dog really did not want to have his photo taken. The stranger, on the other hand, couldn’t imagine a better way to showcase his dog. “Oh, absolutely! He loves getting his picture taken!” was what the stranger said to me. Gravel, the dog, countered, “Get the f*ck away from me before I take that camera out of your hands with my mouth and your f*cking arm with it, prick.” Although I walked away with a really sweet picture, it cost me dry underwear and my wallet. Strangers - can’t trust ‘em.

I was walking through the Union Square market the other day when...

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 16:28:38 -0400

I was walking through the Union Square market the other day when one hell of a stench wafted right by me. I thought to myself, “Now, who the heck could be smoking so much marijuana in public and in the light of day?!” And as I turned around, I saw Marshall, the wire-haired, white rhodesian ridgeback, smoking an enormous joint. He saw my jaw hit the ground, but all he cared to say was, “Human law ain’t got shit on me, dude!” I don’t know if I’ll ever see anyone higher.

LUMIX LLEGÓ

Fri, 28 May 2010 11:40:06 -0400

The camera hath return-ed.

Chitzus named David are my absolute...

Thu, 27 May 2010 21:08:00 -0400

Chitzus named David are my absolute faaavvooorriiittteee!!!

Obnoxiously skeptical strangers named Goliath are not. On a Razor scooter no less!

Gazpacho here may look like she is getting pushed in a cart by...

Wed, 19 May 2010 18:59:23 -0400

Gazpacho here may look like she is getting pushed in a cart by her master, Ethel, but that assumption is far from the truth. Gazpacho was channeling her inner greyhound (we all know you’re no greyhound, my little yorkie friend!) when I took this photo, and had actually rigged a small, but very effective motor to the back end of the cart. Ethel was chasing after Gazpacho, and although she seems like she is close to grabbing her, yet again our eyes play tricks on us! Ethel had actually just slipped on a booby trap deployed from the back of the cart; rubber shoes’ worst enemy: canine fecal matter.